Super-Secret Post-Thanksgiving Headlines Exposed!

| November 26, 2020

Super-Secret Post-Thanksgiving Headlines Exposed!Dear readers, we’ve all dreaded Thanksgiving Day, especially in the lockdown states.  To reduce the carbon footprint, family members will self-isolate in separate rooms in the house.

Roomba sweepers, with a recent Dominion software update, will bring them their environmentally-friendly, vegetarian TV dinners.

For you Patriots who are saying, “screw that, if you want my drumstick, you’ll have to take it from my cold dead hands,” take heart.   Now that Flynn is pardoned, he can ride the Kraken with Sidney Powell.

Aside from that, we at anticipate a slow news day, because what the heck, even communists like a free meal.  So Dear Readers, it is time for useless new you can uselessly use.

We’ve been working on a super-secret post-Thanksgiving expose coming of headlines from the Mainstream Media.

Thanks to Roger Rabbit, editor of the Toon Town Independent Gazette, we can now disclose these shocking headlines.   Please note for those with sensitive sensibilities, unbiased communist fact-checkers have rated this article PG Zero.

Lift your tray table to the upright and locked position, because here we go.

Rocky and Bullwinkle Vote for Biden!

Rocky and BullwinkleIn what has become devastating to the predominantly conservative Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.

NBC has just called Biden’s election in Frostbite Falls with deciding votes cast by local heroes, “Rocky” J. Squirrel, and Bullwinkle J. Moose.

Disgruntled Trumper conspiracy theorists Boris and Natasha of Pottsylvania have demanded a recount.

According to the Minnesota State Canvassing Board, the ballot envelope signatures for both Mr. Squirrel and Mr. Moose were compared with their absentee death certificates and found to be a perfect match.  Furthermore, they used proper Bingo pens.

However, in an interview with an anonymous NBC reporter, Boris arrogantly demanded, “Nyet, this is not good votes.  Who is fool who certified this?  We demand recount.  Where are Moose and Squirrel?”

According to the anonymous NBC reporter, his GOP co-conspirator, Natasha, was overheard on an open surveillance mic while whispering in Boris’ ear, “Dahlink, Fearless Leader certified the vote.”

We reached out to Fearless Leader in Pottsylvania for comment, but he was unavailable.

FOX News Tucker Carlson Calls Betty Boop a “Trump Cow”

Betty BoopA longtime favorite of country club RINOS, FOX News commentator Tucker Carlson recently got into a heated argument with Disney Favorite, Betty Boop.

Betty first appeared on the big screen in 1930 and has been a life-time closet conservative ever since.

She is an ardent Sidney Powell, and she recently tweeted on $PuckerUp, a social media site de-platformed in 2016, that Carlson was a “sellout bully.”

In the ensuing exchange, things got heated.

Thanks to an anonymously leaked hacked copy of the NSA Underverse archive, we can share the relevant part of that heated exchange with you.

Carlson:  How dare you call me a bully!  I’m no such thing because I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, so I know better.

Boop: Hey Buster, you got a loose caboose, and besides, you’re colored.

Carlson:  I’m not colored; look at my hands, look at my face.  I’m a pure white bread peckerwood.

Boop: In my world, mister, we’ve got sixteen shades of gray, and you ain’t any of them.  In my world, you’re as colored as a box of crayons.

Carlson: (Unintelligible noises) You Trump cow!  (End of Transmission)

WaPo – Coyote Accuses Road Runner of Ballot Harvesting

Roadrunner and CoyoteIn a shocking tell-all account, Wile E. Coyote of Arizona has implicated his famous co-star Road Runner in a GOP-Russia scheme to stealth-harvest ballots in Maricopa County, Arizona.

Bird-loving Democrats across the state are mortified to learn of a new election-avian connection.

The two stars were interviewed on the set while making their forthcoming science-fiction epic, Road Runner and Coyote on Mars – The Chase Continues

“I tried to stay an independent all these years,” Coyote said with a heavy sigh, “but Runner (as he informally calls his partner) crossed the line this time.

Mr. Road Runner seemed unaffected and nonchalantly confided, “you could say we have a dysfunctional marriage of sorts.  He always wants to eat me all the time, but I’ve got top billing, and he’s not going to eat the hand that feeds him.  As to this canvassing thing, I know what he really wants.”

When asked, Mr. Coyote freely added: “I want him to have a court-ordered ankle bracelet.  Joe Arpaio, a former Sheriff of Maricopa County, assures me, this is quite possible.  It seems there are a plethora of  Democrat judges who would jump at an opportunity like this.  In Arizona, everything is negotiable.”

Mr. Runner only replied with a single “beep-beep” before disappearing in a cloud of conservative dust.

CBS Reveals Popeye Olive / Oyl Marriage Is on the Rocks

Popeye and Olive OylAnonymous 61/2 Minute producers at CBS, will begin promoting a new interview of Popeye the Sailorman and his estranged spouse, Olive Oyl.

For decades, they have been the most celebrated couple in their small town of Sweethaven, and their divides deeply dishearten the locals.

Thanks to an anonymously leaked hacked copy of the NSA Underverse archive, we have obtained a partial copy of the post-production editing notes.

SETTING: Correspondent sitting opposite Popeye and Olive Oyl.

CORESPONDENT: [Turns to Olive Oyl]  Olive, the good people of Sweethaven and your fans across the world were disheartened to learn during your appearance on The View that your marriage is on the rocks.  That was such a difficult thing to do, and you had us all in tears.  How on Earth are you handling it now?

OLIVE OYL:  I’m handling it must better now, thanks to Whoopi.  She really gave me clarity when she said that in terms of toxic masculinity, my husband should change his name to Mr. Chernobyl.

CORRESPONDENT: Isn’t her perspicuity simply amazing.  Think of it, she found the Russian connection and as we all know, your husband is one of ‘them.’

OLIVE OYL:  OMG, It was like Guinan beamed the message directly down to us from above.

CORESPONDENT:  Exactly [Turns to Popeye] So what’s your side of the story, beginning with how it began?

POPEYE:  It began on a usual Sunday afternoon.  Olive was in the house fixing things and watching television, and I was outside grilling steaks on my Weber grill.  Then I hear Olive scream, and I ran in and what do I see,  this Gillette’ Toxic Masculinity’ ad on the television, and she has it on a repeat loop.  Next thing I know, she starts doing the Gumby ping-pong thing, which is normal for us toons, but only when we’re on the set, so I knew I had a problem.

CORESPONDENT:  And what did you do about that?

POPEYE:  Well, I’m sailor by profession, and every good sailor knows, you must weather the storms.  So, I decided to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to see if there was a version of the 12-step plan for someone like me.

CORESPONDENT:  And what happened?

POPEYE:  After I said, “Hi, I’m Popeye the sailor man, and I have toxic masculinity,” the next thing I know, everyone is throwing their coffee and donuts at me.  What’s with this?

OLIVE OYL:  See, I told you.

[CUT] Heavyset man walks onto the set and stumbles on a lighting stand, and the gaffer catches him.

POPEYE:  Wimpy, we’re in an interview.  What are you doing here?

WIMPY:  I’m here to serve you with divorce papers, but if you buy me a hamburger today, I’ll serve you on Tuesday.

[CUT] A second large man walks onto the set.

POPEYE:  Bluto, what are you doing here?

CORESPONDENT:  I represent your wife.  We’re going to take every can of spinach you own plus the can opener.

POPEYE:  Oh yah, big guy, so happens I’ve got Joe diGenova and Victoria Toensing on speed dial. We’ll see about that.

The CBS 61/2 Minute producers are excited about the interview. They believe their final cut will present a fair and completely objective, and well-balanced report according to the highest standards of journalism as expected by amazing people who have given their lives to Hillary.

MSNBC Rachel Maddow Uncovers Massive Kraken Dropping

Release the KrakenAs we enjoy our Thanksgiving holiday, there is a sharp question hanging in the air.   What does Sydney Powell mean when she says, “Release the Kraken.”

Fact-checkers have already debunked the Russian disinformation scandal promoting the hysterical notion that Kraken is a surveillance system.

As one anonymous ABC producer put it, “it’s just crap,” and she was right.  It is about crap, precisely, a massive pile of fresh, hot steamy pile of Kraken poo-poo.

It was recently discovered on the Bar Nothing Ranch in Backhoe, America and we’ve obtained a recording from an actual live witness to this event.

His name is Bucky Goldberg, and he’s Forman for the Bar Nothing.  This is his firsthand account.

BUCKY GOLDBERG: Well, sir, it was one of the most amazing things to ever happen to me. It started a few nights ago when we heard some heavy pounding, and when we went out in the morning to see about things.

Then we found these massive footprints big enough for a Winnebago. And then, further on up in the draw, we found a huge pile of dung the size of a house.  God awful smelly stuff it was.

Well sir, about that time a government helicopter lands and a bunch of folk in white suits jumped out and start taking pictures and samples and the such, so I got curious.  I went on down to ask them what it was all about and this one nice fellow said, it’s a six-meter high pile of Kraken crap.

Oh Lord, almost twenty feet of Kraken crap, can you imagine that?  Well, what kind of monster is this?  I wanted to know, so I asked this fellow why he was there, and he said, “I’m an octopi scatologist.”  That was a new one for me, and  I asked him to explain it, and here is what he said, “I make my living studying octopus shit, which is why I’m the best man for the job.”

No sooner than he said that, wouldn’t ya know it, another helicopter that had big MSNBC letters on the side landed, and this nice lady and some people who work for her got out and headed straight for the pile.

I later learned her name is Rachel Maddow, and boy, has she got an eye for detail.  Folks told me that’s why her audience likes her.  She has a talent for taking them through the story one layer at a time.

Well, she walked around it and walked around it, and some fellas with a camera and such were doing their best to keep up with her, and then as God is my witness, she grabbed a large shovel and climbed straight up to the top of that pile of Kraken crap.

It was an amazing sight to behold.  Folks were running about with microphones and cameras, and this Maddow lady was shoveling  Kraken crap in every direction.  The back splatter was awful, but I could see why is so popular with her audience.

She was taking that pile of Kraken crap down one level at a time, and by golly, you could set a plumb bob to it.

She was shoveling and talking non-stop for the longest while until she needed to take a rest and that’s when this young scatological fellow asks her, “say Ma’am out of curiosity, what do you expect to find at the bottom of that pile of Kranken shit?”

Bucky chuckled, “Well, sir, as God is my witness, this Maddow lady says, ‘Rudy Giuliani.”

Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving Day

Dear Readers and fellow Patriots, Readers Digest, got it right.  Humor is the best medicine, and I hope you enjoyed my amateurish attempt at humor and that it gave you an enjoyable moment of distraction.

As we gather on this national day of thanks, we Patriots know that we’re in the fight of our lives, and it will be a donnybrook for sure.  But when the man counts ten, we’ll be the ones left standing.

These are weighty and worthy concerns, but for this one day, let us employ another wisdom.

“I’ll worry about that tomorrow.”–Scarlett O’Hara

Today is Thanksgiving Day, and there is much to be thankful for.  There is a new awareness in the land, and it is drawing us together despite cruel hardships intended to divide us.

Patriots, today we celebrate with the people in our lives and with something much bigger than any of us.   Together, we are the freedom-loving people of America who just keep on coming.

In one voice, we proclaim as brothers and sisters, we want our freedoms, and we’ll have them.  Please pass the dressing.















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